ABSTRACT
As the incidence of male sole parents increase it is not uncommon for professionals to be faced with requests for counselling and parenting support for men who are sole parents. Issues and challenges that face single fathers are many and varied, including cultural aspects, gender issues, age, and personal factors such as the capacity as a father to be there for the child. Children may also present with special needs.Many issues which need to be addressed when working with male sole parents are not dissimilar to those experienced by single mothers. However, there are salient issues which appear far more unique to the sole father population. These are the lack of support for male sole parents and the father's self concept. This also has relevance to the current interest generated in men's health, and changes in gender roles. Using case examples, these and other pertinent issues and outcomes for supporting men who are sole parents will be illustrated.
INTRODUCTION
In the United States, between 1970 and 1991 the number of male sole parent families grew 300%, a significantly higher rate than for single-mothers (Meyers & Garasky, 1991; cited in Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1997). The Australian Bureau of Statistics (June 1997) found that the number of male sole parents employed part-time with dependents was 7,700 and 35,800 for full-time workers, thus a total of 43,500. Of all unemployed males, 1.4% were single parents. Of all Parenting Payment recipients 7% are men, up from 2% in 1980 (Council of Single Mothers and their Children). According to the Council of Single Mothers and their Children, men account for 11% of all sole parents.
While the statistics highlight the changes in parenting in the Western world, there are many who still hold the view that the daily care of the child is the primary role of the mother, and that men are incapable of such responsibility. For men who hold this view, they see themselves as the breadwinner of the family. Greif (1995a) depicts the quandary that faces single fathers. How does a father balance conflicting roles, that of the traditional view of manhood versus the parent who provides full-time nurturing?
Today I would like to discuss some of the clinical work with male sole parents that has been done within a community health setting.
Two cases will be used to illustrate some of the pertinent issues for male sole parents. These cases provide support to the issues detailed in the literature as facing male single parents. These aspects will be discussed to highlight areas to be explored with this population when providing professional support to them and their family. Finally, I will discuss practical implications when working with these families.
The cases will be discussed under the following headings:
LINKING THEORY & PRACTICE
The following describes a number of issues which have been documented in the literature and/or observed in our cases. Many of these issues are important factors to bear in mind when working with sole parents, however some of these appear unique to male sole parents.
1. Relationship with children
The relationship between the father and his children may be influenced by the emotional needs of the father. For example, he may have a need to be liked, or feel the need to be rigid and controlling in order to prove to family members, friends, and peers that he can manage.
To manage this Greif and DeMaris (1990) suggest that fathers and children should be helped to recognise that single fatherhood is a unique position.
2. Father’s social life
Men who have been sole parents often talk of feeling socially isolated and cut off from peers. Wilson (1988) found that friendship patterns and leisure activities change for many single fathers and have isolating consequences. Wilson (1988) also found that loneliness was cited by single fathers as the most difficult aspect of being a single father.
Single fathers also often disclose the need for intimacy. Establishing new relationships with women is often viewed as extremely difficult. Often there is confusion as to what their needs are, for example, is it a friend, a sexual partner, or a mother for their children? (DeMaris & Greif, 1997). There are concerns about the new rules for dating, financial and time constraints, difficulties for women adjusting to a relationship where the man is a sole parent, difficulty blending families, and fears about their children's reactions to a new partner. These are issues echoed both in the literature (for example, Greif & DeMaris, 1990; Gregg, 1994; Wilson, 1988) and in the cases outlined above, as well as others seen at the health centre. Single fathers may need support in exploring these needs.
3. Cultural and spiritual beliefs
These areas need to be investigated and addressed. Counsellors need to be sensitive to the diverse cultural needs of clients. The involvement of children in these beliefs may also be an issue, and the age of the child may have an impact on this.
4. Balancing home and work
Greif, DeMaris and Hood (1993) found that the more support that single fathers receive from their place of employment and work colleagues, the fewer changes they have to make in work routines. This then had an impact on these father's perceptions of their relationships with their children. Fathers who had to make fewer changes in work routines had positive attitudes towards their children. Furthermore, only 17% of their sample reported that it had "not been difficult to manage work and child care."
A sense of worth for men can be tied into whether or not they are working and earning money. Men may also feel judged in today's society by their success at work (Greif, 1995b). Having primary responsibility for their children may mean that single fathers need to make adjustments to work arrangements. These may include seeking a work that has provisions for flexible hours, and accepting that their employee may not be available for business trips. Gregg (1994) suggests that this may lead to re-negotiation of what it means to have work and a career. Awareness and sensitivity to the difficulty often experienced by single fathers in balancing home and work, is clearly needed when working with this population.
5. Relationship with the children’s mother
Separated partners often remain emotionally tied to their ex-partner after separating. Unresolved anger and hostility can make it difficult for them to make the children’s best interest a primary concern (Greif & DeMaris, 1997). DeMaris and Greif (1997) suggest that three things can be done to work thorough this conflict:
1. educate the father of the ups and downs following a breakup.
2. coach and rehearse what to say before and during a disagreement with the ex-partner to decrease some of the hostility.
3. help the father to achieve some insight into his feelings and what is behind the conflict.
If there is hostility between the father and the children’s mother these issues need to be addressed. Greif and DeMaris (1990) suggest that the father needs help to separate their role of ex-spouse from that of parent.
Greif (1995b) notes that when relations are going well between ex-partners there is often an easier transition for single parent families. The availability of the mother can also have an impact on the children’s well-being. There may be unresolved issues for the children which need to be addressed. For example, feelings of abandonment, grief or self-blame at the loss of a mother.
6. How men have come into the position of sole parent
Mendes (1976) coined the term 'seekers' versus 'assenters'. Seekers were deemed to be men who actively sought out custody of their children while assenters were those who were forced to take care of their children. It was proposed that parenting styles of single fathers can be influenced by the manner in which they obtain their role of sole parent.
7. Fathers self-concept / personal worth
The father’s self-concept will be based on the usual interactions a person has, for example, with friends, peers and also his appraisal of himself as a father.
Greif and DeMaris (1990) suggest that when their kids are doing well, sole fathers will feel confident. However, sole fathers may receive contradictory or less supportive feedback from family and/or friends about having custody. Alternatively, help offered by others may be misconstrued by sole fathers as suggesting they are not competent.
In a study investigating self-expectations of performance effectiveness for male single parents, there was an overwhelming belief by these men that they could perform well enough to meet the needs of their children. Anecdotally however, they reveal a high degree of anxiety about their own expectations of their performance (Nieto, 1990).
Employment can also have an impact on single fathers and their concept of self-worth. If fathers place significance upon being a breadwinner, then they may experience the dilemma of managing work or a career and caring for their children. This is more of a problem for men who place high values upon being a breadwinner, and when their perceptions of self-worth are based on this. Wilson (1988) found that many single fathers in his study viewed their work as an important source of self-affirmation and self-fulfilment. Thus, for single fathers who are unable to find supportive work environments that are sensitive to their needs as single fathers, the likelihood of a negative impact on their perceptions of self-worth is increased. This impact on their self-esteem perhaps could not come at a worse time, particularly if they are still recovering from the loss of a relationship.
Thus, attention needs to be paid to sole fathers’ self-esteem levels and their support networks.
8. Lack of support for male sole parents
From anecdotal accounts and from the literature it would appear that male sole parents are often not socially supported by their friends in a parenting capacity (Gregg, 1994). Men often discuss their children in a general way, such as what their children are doing at school and in sport. Sole fathers may find it difficult to broach more sensitive parenting issues around which they require information, such as a teenage daughter’s needs for privacy or her developing sexuality (as seen in the case of Anthony). There may also be fears around the possible misinterpretation of this information. This may leave some sole fathers feeling alone and confused about their parenting role.
Gregg (1994) states that "single fathers need other single fathers" (p.97). Groups for men provide them with the opportunity for support, role models and solace. However, unlike sole mother’s groups which are more widely supported by agencies there appears to be a lack of similar group support for sole fathers.
CONCLUSION
With any family that presents for support services, consideration should be given to all factors which influence their functioning. These can include school, work, relatives, friends, peers, employers, and cultural and spiritual beliefs. For those who are single parents there are further issues that may impact on the family unit. These can include balancing home duties and work (eg. relying on one income and needing to be flexible with work hours), relationships with the non-custodial parent, how they have come into the position of sole parent, and investing time in a new relationship.
For single fathers two further difficulties may prevail. These are the father's self-concept/personal worth and the lack of social support and support from welfare services. These may place further strains on the limited resources of some of these families. While many single fathers feel comfortable in the role of primary carer, there are those who require assistance (Greif, 1995b). To be effective, this assistance needs to be perceived as genuinely helpful (Wilson, 1988). For those who require assistance, both the literature and our individual work with male single parents highlights the need to pay attention to unresolved and consuming personal issues that some single fathers may harbour.
Clearly, there is every indication that the number of single father families will continue to increase. It is extremely important that agencies make their services more accessible and friendly to male sole parents, and perhaps provide some assertive outreach in this area. This is especially the case, when we are aware from the literature that single fathers show significant resistance to seeking assistance especially due to concerns about being stereotyped (Wilson, 1988). It is hoped that not only will agencies become more single father friendly but so too will employment agencies and more importantly, the general community.
REFERENCES
Australian Bureau of Statistics. (June 1997). Labour force status: families, pp.31-33.
Council of Single Mothers and their Children. Council of Single Mothers and their Children Student Kit. 247-251 Flinders Lane, Melbourne.
DeMaris, A. & Greif. G. L. (1997). Single custodial fathers and their children: when things go well. In A. J. Hawkins & D. C. Dollahite (Eds.), Generative fathering: beyond deficit perspectives. (134-146). Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.
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Greif, G. L., DeMaris, A., & Hood, J. C. (1993). Balancing work and single fatherhood. In J. C. Hood (Ed.). Men, work, and family. (176-194). California: SAGE Publications.
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Nieto, D. S. (1990). The custodial single father: who does he think he is? Journal of Divorce, 13, 27-43.
Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagan, M. M. (1997). The effects of divorce on fathers and their children. In M.E. Lamb (Ed.), The role of the father in child development, 3rd ed. (pp. 191-211). New York: Wiley.
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